Trust

When I was a little girl. I had the worst case of Peter Pan Syndrome. I DID NOT want to grow up. In retrospect I was wiser and more grown up than any other 5 year old around. I knew then that life doesn't get easier. It gets more and more complicated and simple emotions like "love" become monumentally complex things.

Its funny how when we are young our perspective is so different from when we are adults. Its almost more honest and sincere because history or experience hasn't had a chance to muck it up yet. In fact J.M Barrie said it the absolute best: "I'm not young enough to know everything." When a child believes, they believe with every fiber of their being. When they love, they love with their whole heart and when the laugh, they don't care what other people think. As an adult we question what we believe. We love with fear and doubt and when we laugh its usually guarded.

Its as if we had it right from the beginning and somehow along the way we loose it. I want to live in a world where everyone has faith, love and laughter of children. Take a moment to enjoy the peace of your youth. 

"The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it." - J.M. Barrie

Holidays

You know what I loved about this season? Other than the hundreds of songs that I can sing along to in my car. I love the magic. (Especially if you stay away from department stores.)

The glistening of twinkle lights.The baking. The giving of gifts. The idea that each day is made brand new and made clean by the newly fallen snow. The red and green decorations. The joy on children's faces. The faith that comes out in the expressions of joy shared. The idea that the worst parts of the world will fade for just one day - even if its just for a moment. Its magical. I never lost that magic feeling of the season.

But then you grow up, you get old. If you are familiar with the Polar Express - your bell stops ringing. How does this happen? Is it because we loose focus on what the real reason of Christmas time is? Is it because we get caught up in the buying and the receiving of presents? I don't know what the defining moment was for me, but somewhere, somehow, I didn't want to hang decorations on the tree or put up the bows on the house.The magic is gone.

Christ was born. His life was the greatest gift anyone could ever receive. This year has been a culmination of really difficult moments. It has been hard. However in the midst of it all I rediscovered what God's love, mercy and peace can bring. I am not certain I will ever get the magic of Christmas back. But I do know that I am incredibly thankful to have a God who can sacrifice His son so that I can have Hope.

Sacrifice

I never intended for this blog to be a "Christian" blog or a blog about God and faith. I intended it to be about my journey and adventures through life. This is my life. God is surrounding me in everything, everyday. So to those who might be following, please be prepared for a bit of Christ!

The journey one can take with God can be a long one. For me it seemed unending... and not in a positive way. In a very negative way. I wanted God to complete me. I wanted God to come and hold me and fix all my problems. To get to the point of peace, seemed like a very long road. 

I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I told God he can have all that I have, including my heart. I did not know how to better give to God more than my heart. I know that Loving God means admitting we are human, we make mistakes, we need redemption and we need to love Him completely. Wasn't I doing that? Telling Him to take my heart, it is His? 

Part of that is turning away from our sins so we can turn toward Him. I thought I had it all covered. EXCEPT... I held on to an idol. Even when I convinced myself I had let it go. I held onto just the smallest piece of it in my heart. God doesn't want just pieces of my heart, He wants it all. 

Then in my reading I got to Genesis and read about Abraham and Sarah. All they ever wanted was a son, but Sarah was barren. But because of Abraham's faithfulness, God blesses them with a son named Issac. Later in Genesis God want's Abraham to sacrifice his son as an offering. And you know what? That Crazy Abraham, though he loved his son dearly, was willing to do it. God obviously stepped in and offered up a different sacrifice. But Holy Cow! Do you have that much faith? That you are willing to sacrifice your most beloved thing? 

This weekend I met God. I was given a moment of redemption in my own personal life to make up for something in my past. And it was at that very moment that I was able to let go of that small piece of an idol and turn completely towards God. I got to love like Christ and because of that I really experienced Christ. So that sacrifice of my idol gave me something so much more amazing.

Life is not easy and letting go is something that is hard for us in this ADD world.  But knowing your heart is filled with a love greater then anything or anyone's here on Earth is a feeling I could never describe. It makes you shine. It makes you want to shout. It makes you smile! 

Seeking rest and finding fulfillment.

Loneliness. Emptiness. Women are designed to want to fill in voids. It's our innate nature to do so. Why is that? The argument could be made that men are the same, that they too want to fill in voids. Which is separate from what I am trying to say. Women especially cater to emotional fulfillment. We want to fill in the voids of emotions that we feel with emotions produced by others. What do I mean? We place all our value on relationships. Friendships. Co-workers. Men. You get the idea. Someone who will listen to our problems and someone we can help with theirs.

We, women, find a sense of self in doing this. Is it wrong? Not necessarily. But why do we feel this way? I believe we are designed to feel this way because in the moments of emptiness and loneliness is when we can come closer to God. Often times women just don't know when to stop. They perseverate on fulfillment of relationships, on helping others, on getting the next job done. We don't know how to stop until we are forced to stop. Likewise we don't take time to find fulfillment in God until the loneliness sets in or the emptiness sets in. 

I may be completely off my rocker in saying this,  but it's true for me. It took a complete loss in my own personal life to realize I had my priorities all wrong. Loss is hard. We want to focus on the memories and the "what ifs". Somehow it is ingrained in us to "lock in" on what we have lost instead of trying to see the whole picture. I am a selfish being. I know what I want, I know what I need and I know what is good for me. I also know that often times those don't all line up for me. Right now what lines up for me is God. He has saved so much grace for me. And not just "forgiving" grace as we often view it, but a kind of grace for my future. I have hurt many people, I have let myself and others down and I make mistakes, BIG mistakes. God doesn't see that. He see's what plans He has for me even when I step on my own toes. 

Letting go of what I think my picture should be... That's my struggle. Each day God is reminding me how to let it go. Reuniting old relationships, reminding me the little things in life are just as important as the big and putting obstacles in the way, while clearing a path toward the right direction. These are just a few of the ways God is reminding me to stop stumbling over myself and start jumping towards him. 

This may be a redundant blog... but in many ways its a step forward. Each day is a day closer to God. And knowing that I am ready to start working my life towards Him is exciting and worth sharing again and again.

Leap of Faith

So I went rock climbing for the first time. I am afraid of heights. Not in a: "I'm completely afraid and I am freaking out" kind of way. Rather in a: "I don't want to be this high but its a challenge to overcome it." Either way: If you put me at the edge of a cliff and tell me to repel I am going to take a moment to reflect on why I am on this cliff in the first place.

It was an amazing experience once I took that first step off the ledge. Terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time. Having faith in myself to "brake" when needed was a scary thought. What if I forgot to pull the rope to brake? What if I completely get distracted and let go of the rope? I will surely fall to my death. On my own, these are all possibilities.

Surely as a first time rock climber I did not do this. No I had a person at the bottom who was belaying for me. For my non-rock climbing readers, when you repel there are multiple ways you can do it. In this circumstance I had someone who was holding the rope so if I did fall they could "brake" for me. In other words... I would be safe. No crashing into rocks (well not much crashing into rocks) but certainly no falling to my death.

There were moments when I was climbing that I was so afraid of falling. I would hold on until I thought I couldn't hold on anymore. It was at that moment when I was tired that I found the life lesson: I have to trust in the rope. It doesn't matter how far up I go, how tired I am when I get there, how rough my muscles felt or how many rocks I crashed into. I can always find rest in the rope. With a belayer I can just let it all go. I can take a break before climbing on but simply letting go.

That rope was held by someone I trusted who could give me relief whenever needed. It's so funny. This year I have tried so hard to keep climbing on my own... the truth is I can't do it alone. Its impossible. I could easily get hurt or fall on my own. All the while God is standing by just waiting to belay for me. He is always there, even when I forget about Him, just wanting to lift the weight off.

I can't Get no Satisfaction. . .

I have been so thirsty for more. I have thought I could quench my thirst in the ideals of what I wanted. Only to realize that I will never be satisfied. I have been trying to quench my thirst with mud instead of water.

There is a completeness to be had. A thirst that can be quenched. I just have been looking for it in the wrong ways. And maybe I have made a million different analogies for the same thing, but this is what is really on my heart. Christ is everywhere and is my everything. He is my water, and until now I have been so thirsty to know Him.

I will never be complete in the things or the people of this world. If I want to find complete contentment and joy I know where to go... and I am ready for God to rain down on me and engulf all of me.

Humpty Dumpty Heart

There is an episode of Grey's Anatomy where a Cardiothoracic surgeon takes a heart apart, removes a tumor and puts the heart back together again. They called it a "Humpty Dumpty surgery". Seems fitting. Take a heart apart and put it back together again. The heart can handle a lot and while it is a risky surgery and there is a huge chance you will die. But without it you are sure to die.

I feel like everyone meets moments like this. This year was mine. I tried to find my own fulfillment in a relationship. And found myself with a broken heart that needed to be put back together again. Love and life don't always work out as you may want it to. I found I needed to remove the parts of my heart that were like that tumor.

But How do you put your heart back together again? In this metaphor God is my Cardiothoracic surgeon. This time instead of putting my heart in the hands of a supposed loved one, I've decided to put my heart in the hands of God. In church today we talked about trying to find fulfillment in things we think will fulfill us. Only to discover we find frustration and anger in the lack of fulfillment we receive. I am tired... down right exhausted. I am done trying to repair my own heart.

God will not only fill that empty space where once a tumor was, but He will also put our hearts back together again so that the life we live is one that will be completely fulfilled.

Are you listening?

Often times we go through life, like a movie on fast forward. We move and act as if we don't have time to move at a normal pace. In reality who does have time to move at a slower pace? We have busy lives and how could we slow things down when we have grocery shopping, bills to pay, phone calls to return and appointments to keep?

During these times we frequently interact with the people in our individual worlds and they interact with people around them. Its a ripple effect. Before you know it something little we say or do is directly and indirectly impacting the lives of others.

I have used my words, as of late, in a form of sarcasm to express all of the negativity that I feel inside. When I reflect on the last few months I realize that this form of sarcasm has increased greatly. The truth is, even after I have realized what I was doing, it was hard to stop. We all need someone we can confide to who will hear our deepest thoughts, worries, anxieties and fears. I believe letting those emotions out is beneficial when you have a safe person to vent to. However... Letting it carry over into our daily lives with people who may be hurt or harmed is something we must be careful of.

I don't believe I have hurt or even offended anyone, as of late, but I do believe if I continue in this way my ripples may start interacting in ways far beyond my own understanding. The truth is I have recently seen how my words can effect another person. That they reflected on what I said and that it sunk in. I am lucky in that the words I had to say were words of encouragement and not of sarcasm. But it left me to think about how much people really do listen.

You see, I don't often take time to stop. Just simply take a moment and hear or see the world around me. The people in my life, often times, do pause to reflect. And what if? What if they are reflecting on sarcasm when I could have had more frequent moments of kindness and positiveness?

I know a month or two ago that I believed that my words weren't worth hearing. It is in these moments when we least expect it that we have opportunities to reach out to others and more importantly to reflect Gods love through our own actions. I am a completely new person now in comparison to just a few months ago and I am going to make it a personal goal to try to reflect love instead of negativity. Every person will fall short of being kind in this world and I was beginning to loose hope in kindness. Which has helped me realize. You will only ever find kindness when you are willing to share it with others. Else, you may just watch it walk past you and you won't even recognize what it looks like.

So next time you think someone is not listening... Be careful they might be soaking every single word and action you make.

Centered

Today I took a walk on the beach just at sunset. It was so relaxing to just go my favorite place and play in the sand and water and enjoy the sun setting. Through out the last few months I have felt completely off balance. Being at the beach I always find myself centered. I love that feeling.

I have been thinking this for at least a few days maybe even a few weeks. I have found my grounding again. It's kind of like building a home. The cornerstone is one of the greatest parts of its foundation. It hold everything in place and keeps it stable. Putting God back as my cornerstone has really helped in all of this.

There is a line at the end of the movie "When Harry Met Sally" that I love. It talks about when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want it to start as soon as possible. Believe it or not, I have not found that special someone. But in a way I have found happiness. Being in a world that was so dark and twisty for so long and coming out of it is like becoming a whole new person. I feel more alive and energetic. I am excited and adventurous again. I am ready for life to begin and this time I am NOT waiting for it to come to me. I want my life to start as soon as possible.

I guess when you realize that your whole world isn't as bad as it seemed you are ready to start enjoying every little thing. Even if that little thing is getting out of work and hour early so you can see the sun set over the beach.

"That's life... What can I tell you?"

When I was little my world was full of Barbie's and ribbons in my hair. Every day my greatest joys were dependent on if I was allowed to stay up late or have that extra cookie. A bad day would be missing a nap or not getting that cookie. But somewhere between ribbons and training bras we are forced to grow up.

In college I studied nature vs. nurture. Are we who we are because of our surroundings or because of our biology? As a little girl my dreams were to have the Barbie Dream House with the little Corvette. To raise a family with Ken and drive my 2.5 children to soccer practice. Was this dream instilled in me because I was given a Barbie instead of a G.I. Joe? Or was this instilled in me because I am biologically designed to be that way?

Well whatever the reason... Growing up is not Corvette's or Ken dolls. It is paying bills and working. It is disappointment and failures. It is obligations and responsibilities. Life is hard. Somehow, when I was a child, I don't recall having my Barbie pay the bills or take out the trash. We are thrown into the world without preparation for the difficulties that lie ahead.

When the world falls apart around us, when life is just hard we are faced with how to handle it. We have to decide to we fight and stay strong? Or do we crumble and fall apart. It is a matter of one simple truth. Its Life. We aren't really ever prepared for the difficulties that lie ahead. To think that our own difficulties are harder then others is naive. Its simple: We all have face life. Its not always going to be laughter and sunshine.

In the moments of difficulty. The moments when our lives really just suck, those always end up being some of the greatest moments of our lives. I know I am starting to sound like a masochist. No I don't like pain or being hurt. I hate doing things the hard way. But when you think about it. If it didn't hurt: how would we appreciate it when the pain is gone. If it was not difficult: How could we appreciate the easier times.

That's Life. Its beautiful. Its ugly. Its up and its down. But its in the ugliness that we can be thankful for the beauty. It's in the downs that we can enjoy the ups. You see, it was not ever meant to be easy because we would take it for granted.

Its like the impossible dream. When I was a little girl I used to chase rainbows. Isn't that silly? I thought that IF... If I could just get to the other side of that rainbow I would see the most beautiful majesty in the world. Maybe it is impossible to get to the other side of the rainbow. But I believe that the greatest part of that journey is the chase. I may never get there but if I do get to the other side of that rainbow I've been chasing.... I know this: I will not be disappointed. It's worth the effort.

Keep on chasing those rainbows, You may not get there but you may find something more majestic along the way.

Life - like Grey's Anatomy

Meredith Grey: "You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away."

The wisdom of Grey's Anatomy... Got to love it.

Seeing beauty when life seems ugly

Vincent Van Gogh was an amazing person. Sure, like the rest of us, he had a few flaws but he also masterfully created such breathtaking works of art.

Often times we get so caught up in how we are perceiving the world that we are not capable to see the beauty and the greatness that is within ourselves. I believe Van Gogh suffered from this toward the end of his life. He had moments of clear thinking and was able to produce amazing bodies of work and then  would go through moments where he simply could not work. I am not a person who has spent much time studying Van Gogh nor do I pretend to know much about him. However, I came across a quote from him that really struck me:

"Love many things,
For therein lies the true strength

And whoever loves much
performs much,
and can accomplish much,
and what is done in love,
is done well."
- Vincent Van Gogh

What I take from this is that Van Gogh really understood the importance on how to live. Often times we are placing our own worth on our own accomplishments. And what I think he was trying to say is that when we do things in a loving way we will be achieving our greatest accomplishments. My focus will be this, Loving much. If I were to start every activity, at work or every conversation with a loving heart, I believe I could accomplish much.

For a little while I never thought that I could love again. I had put all of my love on one person. I have discovered that when you do you may get hurt. But in doing that I also distracted myself from doing everything I did in a loving way. I am not certain I will ever love again in a romantic way, but I am definitely going to try doing everything I do with love in my heart.

Just like the Footprints in the Sand...

I recently watched the Lord of The Rings series for the first time. Tolkein had an amazing way of showing the differences between good and evil which is a wonderful story line. However, what meant the most to me was the relationship between Sam and Frodo.

Sam was the ultimate supporting role of a character and Frodo was the man who had the heaviest burden. Together they made a powerful team with Sam's faithfulness and Frodo's courage. Frodo had to go through the greatest trials and had it not been for Sam he would not have made it through.

Many times in our lives we face moments just as Frodo did. It may seem dark and dreary all the time. It may feel like there will be no end to the suffering and the endless battle to find the light. What I loved about this story is that the movie did not end with the ring going into the fire. It ended with hope and new beginnings. It was a great reminder that, while it may only seem dark all the time now, I have the hope of reaching the light.

Our journey's will not always be easy. There will be times when we want to throw in the towel and give up. There will be times when you simply can not carry that burden any longer.You will be exhausted and feel like you can't fight anymore. I am lucky. Here on Earth I have a Sam. A friend who will encourage me and stick by my side to the end even when its at a personal loss. I also can look to God. Both have helped carry me when my burden has been too heavy. A line from the movie reminds me of this. Sam says it to Frodo when it simply became too much to bear: "I can't carry it for you, but I can carry you."

I have had to loose a great deal to have seen this. But God is always at our side. He is the ultimate supporting role. And when life is throwing troubles at you from all directions, He is battling them away. When our worlds have turned dark with no hope, He brings in the light. Having a friend like Sam has reminded me that God has a mighty way of working through the people in our lives. And my Sam reminded me that even when I am at my lowest point in my life, I am not alone. I have someone there right beside me fighting off gigantic spiders and evil thoughts just so I can keep on my path.

Following my journey to the greatest moments may take a little bit of fight, but I am ready for it knowing now that I have a Sam by my side.

Diving In

This is my first blog and in order to make it much more interesting I am going to avoid a long introduction and jump right in. This year if I could sum it up and one sentence it would be: "When dreams escape you and hope finds you." Why is that? You may be asking your self. It is because in a single moment your whole life can change and at the time it seems like your whole world is changing (and maybe it is) and you feel like everything is out of control and has flipped upside down(and maybe it has). That is how my year has been thus far. UPSIDE DOWN. 


In college I studied about something called "Perceptual Adaptation". If you are a psychology geek like me you may have heard of this. In the 1890's a guy named George Stratton played around with this concept. If I haven't bored you yet, keep reading, cause this is not just a history lesson. He developed glasses that made  him see the world upside down. He experimented with this to see how the brain would adapt to how our eyes are perceiving the world. The conclusion: We adapt. The brain does not allow us to keep seeing the world upside down. Rather, after about three days it inverts the image so that our world seems right-side up again. I think this is so amazing. God has created such adaptable beings that when everything turns upside down, after a time, it will be right again. 


This year started as an incredibly blessed one. I was in love. I enjoyed watching all my dreams fall into place. I perceived my world as perfect. However, it got turned upside down. It did not work out and I was terribly upset. I know people fall in and out of love every day. But I do not. So, to me, it felt EPIC. Romeo and Juliet epic or Helen of Troy epic. Not only did l fall in love with a person, but I fell in love with happiness and watching my dreams unfold. Everything unraveled quickly as life does. And for that time my world was upside down. 


I had a lot of confusion of where my heart should be. Loving someone who hurts you, is that cause to loose them or do you fight? If they continue to hurt you, do you stay or leave? In life decisions are made and sometimes you don't get a say in the matter. In this case I did not. Which is hard to deal with. Fight or not fight that part of my life is over now. I did learn a lot about myself. I learned I liked control. I like to control my environment. I mean who doesn't? I thought I could have all my dreams come true. I learned I love with everything I have. Even when loving with all you have hurts you. I also learned the most important thing, When our world falls apart it does not have to be the end. Our bodies, our minds, they adapt. We may have to wait three days or three months but we begin to see things more clearly and our world will get flipped right-side up again.


Now you can understand the title of my blog "When Dreams escape you and Hope finds you." My relationship was not completely centered on Christ. I know now that in life to find complete and true happiness you need to have your life centered around Christ. I have hope that I will find someone to love and who loves me in return. But I have also learned that; even without that, I will still find happiness. So here's to new beginnings and Diving in to life!